One week
by Angellina Tsaint
Summary: Calling this crazy would be like calling Child's Play kinda scary... there is no logical summary for the strange, twisted story that I have written.


A/N: Don't ask... please, don't ask. I needed to write a one-shot. I NEED this. It took me ages to write, though.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own KH, the inspiration from some weird movie I was told about, Chuckie, care bears, the "truth" thingy, the thing that only Crimson knows about (though she may have forgotten), Star Wars, Ebay, Jerry Springer, or anything else seen here which I most likely borrowed from a different KH fic. If I borrowed something from your fic, be honored... or don't be. Your call.  
  
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Sora sat in... a random big house on Destiny Islands. Why, you ask? 'Cause I say so.  
  
"So bored... Hello, what's this?" He noticed a new TV and sound system. "Wait... why is a TV here? Why do I know what it is? ... Oh well. I wonder if there's anything to watch?"  
  
He went over to his new TV and pressed the play button on the VCR. A few seconds later...  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
And with that, he ran away, as fast as he could, to Hollow Bastion. Why can he run there, you ask? See above. Or, if you're too lazy to do that... 'cause I say so.  
  
"KAIRI! IT'S AFTER MEEEEE!"  
  
Kairi ran down the stairs. "Sora? What's wrong?"  
  
But he had turned into a blubbering maniac. "So... scary... AHHHHHHHH! MOMMY!"  
  
"... You don't have a 'mommy'." She corrected, because even though we hear the woman's voice, she isn't actually a character... but who cares?  
  
But anyway.  
  
"Kairi! So... awful... nekkid... video..."  
  
The girl tried to understand what he was saying. "Was someone naked on a video you watched?"  
  
Sora nodded.  
  
"I told you to stop watching porn!"  
  
"AHHHH! SCARYSCARYSCARY!" He had curled up into a little ball, shaking.  
  
"Sora, who was naked?" Kairi asked, gritting her teeth in desperation.  
  
"Shewasshewassoscarysoscary... TNECIFELAM!"  
  
Kairi gasped, reading the word backwards. "Maleficent?!"  
  
Due to hearing the name, Sora seemed to regain some senses. "Horrible..."  
  
Right then, a phone rang from the library. Why is there a phone in the library? 'Cause I say so.  
  
"I'll go get that..." Sora muttered, and ran through the labyrinth of the library to get to the phone. "Hello?"  
  
There was a silence at the other end, they cleared their throat and...  
  
"One week... kupo."  
  
Then they hung up.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sora screamed, casting Firaga on the phone as an attempt to un-hear the scary words.  
  
"Sora, what's wrong?" Someone had appeared... the boy turned around to see Ansem.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He repeated, brandishing the Ultima Weapon.  
  
"Oh, shut up. It's your fault that I have to give sponge baths to old ladies now as community service!"  
  
The two took a brief moment to shudder at the mere thought of giving sponge baths to old ladies.  
  
Sora shook his head angrily. "Why are you here?!"  
  
"I had to get cherries."  
  
"... Forget I asked." The boy took a step back. "Anyway, why do you care what's wrong?"  
  
Ansem smirked evilly. "I'm a pedophile and incredibly attracted to you."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"... I was kidding."  
  
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Sora screamed, hitting the man over the head with Ultima.  
  
"OW! I'm SORRY, OKAY?! Sheesh!" Ansem rubbed his head, being extremely out of character for his very evil self... but who cares?  
  
Sora seemed to accept the apology. "Really, tell me!"  
  
"You want answers?!"  
  
"I think I deserve them!"  
  
"You want ANSWERS?!"  
  
"I want the TRUTH!"  
  
"The TRUTH?! You can't handle the truth!" Ansem paused. "Alright, there's a big scandal going on that involves moogles, a video of Maleficent naked, and cannibalism." Hmm, may this be a plot point?  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sora screamed, yet again (go repetitive screaming!). "But... I saw that video!"  
  
The silver/blue/grey haired man made a face. "Pervert!"  
  
The brunette shook his head. "No way! That made Chuckie look like a care bear!"   
  
"I know," Ansem admitted, "I filmed it!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sora screamed for what, the tenth time?  
  
After protecting his sensitive ears, Ansem sighed. "It's a long story... do you know where Riku is?"  
  
"Gee... I think he got locked in Kingdom Hearts after your super-cheap-video-effect-death, but I'm not too sure."  
  
"Wiseass," The man growled, "I need his help to seal away the video!"  
  
"What's wrong with meeeee?" Sora whined.  
  
"You're not the true keyblade master."  
  
I'd tell you what happens next, but this has a RATING, y'know? So... it basically involves Sora acting like Xena (and dressed like her too), while attacking everything in sight... and chicken feathers. LOTS of chicken feathers.  
  
A while later...  
  
"Are you trying to KILL ME?!" Ansem shrieked, attempting to throttle the 'hero'.  
  
"(cough/gasp/choke) Y (cough/gasp/choke) E (cough/gasp/choke) S!"   
  
"Oh... okay then." And he let go. "But I NEED to find Riku! Do you have any idea where I should at least start?"  
  
Sora nodded. "EBAY!"  
  
"Ebay?"  
  
"Yes! Ebay has all the answers!" Sora jumped up and down, "AND, there's an ebay convention starting in Olympus Coliseum at 10:30!"  
  
Ansem checked his watch. "Well, what a coinsidence. That's in ten minutes. Let's go."  
  
"Eh?!"  
  
"You have to come, since you have the keyblade."  
  
"You mean the gummi ship?"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
So, off they went, with Star Wars music playing in the background and what you're reading right now in the weird yellow scrolly stuff. Why? 'Cause I say so.  
  
In the gummi ship, Armageddon (my best ship made out of 16 blocks!)...  
  
Sora was mucking around with the controls, sending Ansem into a state of motion sickness.  
  
As the unwonder boy was unable to dodge all the wee blocky thingies, the man thought of something... "Where are your friends? The deformed duck and... the thing?"  
  
"Oh, they said they had some business to take care of..."  
  
Meanwhile, on Jerry Springer...  
  
"I loved you but you ditched me for my best friend who ditched you for me! Let's bring out... Donald and Goofy!"  
  
Anyway, at Olympus Coliseum...  
  
"And then, I like, use orange highlights!" Hercules was explaining to Selphie and Wakka how he kept his hair so... orange.  
  
They clapped, amazed.  
  
Ansem snarled. "I see no ebay."  
  
"That's because you're still looking at the exit." Sora pointed out, turning the evil post-villian around.  
  
"Oh. Well, where is it?"  
  
The boy pointed. "That really big stall with the really big sign saying 'Ebay'."  
  
Ansem felt like he was at a new low in his life. Sora, somehow, had made him look like an idiot.  
  
"Come on, we have to... what do we have to do, again?"  
  
"Find Riku. Just wondering, but why and how would he be on an auction site?"  
  
"Uh... it's possible, isn't it?"  
  
He scowled. "I came all this way for nothing?!"  
  
"Maybe... possibly... most definitely... uh, yes," Sora scratched the back of his head, "But I need to do something! Those moogles are going to eat me!"  
  
"Cry me a river." Ansem turned to leave.  
  
"WHO SAID THAT?!" A voice suddenly boomed.  
  
The ex-villian turned to see a very pissy Sephiroth walking his way.  
  
"NO ONE SPEAKS OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IN MY DOMAIN!"  
  
He raised an eyebrow. "The sheer terror. I'm being threatened by a pubescent, silver haired, washed up..."  
  
"QUIET!" Sephiroth yelled in his squeaky voice, "At least I don't sound like Seymour!"  
  
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Ansem tackled Sephiroth, beating the poor, unarmed pretty boy up.  
  
Hercules walked up to Sora. "You... know these two?"  
  
"Oh, 'course not!" He insisted, "I just happen to be... standing near them."  
  
"Oh."  
  
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A/N: That took me roughly... three, maybe four months to write. 


End file.
